Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD
Part Three: A Trick of the Card! The Devastating
Attack of the Card Queen!
(We find our
heroines in
Quistis: Hey,
didn't we have a car at the end of the last part?
Selphie: Yeah,
but you know how it goes, Quistis. You rent a car, you drive into the rental
area, it automatically parks and you run out of the garage.
Quistis: That's
a bit odd, isn't it?
Selphie: It
makes the rental guys lots of money if you get too close to a city on the world
map.
Rinoa
(confusion in her voice): World Map?
Quistis: You
know, that place where only one of us shows up at a time, the cities are tiny
and the music is pretty bad?
Selphie
(shuddering): Tell me about it.
Rinoa: I never
see anything but Squall's back when we're outside of towns
Quistis
(smirking): I am not touching that one, Rhino.
Rinoa: It's
RINOA! And you're just jealous of my charms, Quistis!
Selphie: Yeah,
everybody likes a girl who can convincingly say to you "Is that a Gunblade
in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Rinoa: Look
who's talking, Selphie…you couldn't even keep
Selphie
(stamping her feet): Meanie! It's not my fault that they didn't character
design enough guys to go around so I had to take
(The girls walk
by the hotel, when suddenly Quistis stops, lost in thought.)
Selphie:
Quistis? What's up…dreaming of that first special night with a boy?
Rinoa: And
wishing it would finally happen?
Quistis
(ignoring Rinoa): You know, it just occurred to me…Laguna had the hots for your
mother, Julia, right, Rinoa?
Rinoa: Uh…yeah,
right.
Quistis: And he
also got married to Raine, who we all realized belatedly was Squall's mother.
(Rinoa stares
in confusion at Quistis.)
Rinoa: Laguna
is Squall's father?
Quistis
(slapping her forehead in disbelief): YES! Didn't you know that?
Selphie: Jeez,
what do you and Squall talk about at night?
Rinoa: He says
stuff like "Roll over" and "I'm sorry" and "Next time
it'll be better."
Quistis: I did
NOT need to know that!
Selphie: You
had a point, Quisty?
Quistis: Oh,
yes. Well, it occurs to me that Laguna is a dog where women are concerned.
Selphie: DON'T
BADMOUTH MY SIR LAGUNA!
Quistis: It's
just an observation, Selphie…he is a bit haphazard in his relationships….
Selphie
(fuming): Ooh…I didn't read every issue of Timber Maniacs just to hear you say
bad things about Sir Laguna?
Rinoa: Why
would ANYONE read every issue of Timber Maniacs? Next to "Occult Fan"
that's the most useless item in the game?
(Selphie is
about to defend herself when a blast of anime style powers zooms at them. All
three girls avoid the attack, which nukes one of the ever-present buses on the
streets of Deling City)
Quistis: Oh,
what now?
Selphie: Never
mind that. Energy attacks should move so fast that we can't even see them…how
did we dodge that?
Quistis: For
god's sake don't get physics involved in it, Selphie!
Rinoa
(pointing): Look!
(Standing down
the street is the darnest monster that you'll ever see. Its body is that of a
triple triad card-a Buel card, in fact-while it has the typically elfin
appearance of your basic Sailor Moon monster otherwise.)
Selphie: Oh you
have got to be kidding me…another monster?
(Carbuncle
appears, bouncing up and down.)
Quistis: Excuse
me, but aren't you supposed to be our guide?
(Carbuncle
works a nod into its cute capering.)
Quistis: Then
shouldn't you be offering us haughty advice on how to defeat monsters and be
better young women?
Rinoa: Yeah!
(Carbuncle
holds up a sign that reads "Mokona" as the Card Monster rushes them.)
Selphie: You
mean you aren't a send up of Luna, huh, you're a send up of Mokona! (snaps
fingers.) I'm so smart and cute!
Quistis: One
out of two ain't bad.
(The monster
scatters the girls like ten pins in a series of freeze frames.)
Selphie: What
was that? I couldn't move!
Quistis:
Typically they put a lot of money into the first two episodes of an anime
series, then lower the budget at episode three. Freeze frames save money.
Rinoa: Guess we
need to transform again…Mildly Provocative Transformation-
(Quistis claps
a hand over Rinoa's mouth.)
Quistis: Rhino!
Remember Dollet! Those guys saw us without our clothes on!
(Quistis pulls
Rinoa and Selphie towards an alleyway; the Card Monster watches, puzzled. From
the shelter of the alley, the monster hears the girls, with varying levels of
enthusiasm, shout their transformation phrase. Magical lights sparkle
everywhere, and the girls, in full magical girl regalia, run out into the
street.)
Selphie
(looking down at herself): You know, my legs look killer in this outfit.
Quistis: Good
thing for the standard magical girl figure enhancement
Selphie: Huh?
Quistis: You
know, how a girl goes from skinny and little to all curvy and leggy and adult
when she transforms? Good thing for you, chicken legs.
Selphie: WHAT!
Quistis: I saw
your first FMV, Selphie. You don't have legs you have toothpicks!
Rinoa:
Guys…there's a monster to fight….
Selphie
(standing on her tiptoes so she can be eye to eye with Quistis): Take that
back, Miss "Hides her thighs behind a really long skirt!"
Rinoa (shaking
her head): Oh, to heck with it….
Quistis: Now
LOOK-I have the best figure of any girl in the game-just look at my action
figure!
Selphie: Oh,
yeah, right-seen mine lately? Doesn't exactly lack for curves either….
(Rinoa turns
towards the monster and strikes a cute as all get out pose, some sort of stock
background footage involving angel wings running behind her)
Rinoa: Pretty
Princess Magical Kaboom!
(The card
monster explodes.)
Quistis
(puzzled) What just happened behind you, Rinoa?
Rinoa: Oh, the
leader of the magical girls, the princess, always gets special background
footage for her attacks-you know, Sailor Moon and pictures of the moon, that
sort of thing…
Selphie: Well,
who made YOU the princess?!
Rinoa: The
creators of Final Fantasy VIII-I am the romantic lead you know…now c'mon, let's
find Irvine!
(Rinoa runs
off.)
Quistis: I
really hate her. Really.
Selphie:
Especially when she's right, huh?
Quistis
(sniffling): It's just that you got your big return to Trabia Garden scene and
I didn't get anything…
Selphie: There,
there. For what it's worth, you usually wind up with some hot guy that acts a
lot like Squall in most other fanfics.
Quistis:
Thanks. Let's go catch Rhino.
(From around
the corner of a building, the Card Queen watches the girls leave.)
Card Queen:
Well, they are powerful if not somewhat foolish…I'll need a plan to lure them
in…. something they want…
(Irvine walks
up from behind the Card Queen, a little drunk.)
Irvine: Hey,
baby…you haven't seen a little girl with a big set of nunchuks and a homicidal
attitude, have you? (looks the Card Queen over) Whoa…where have you been all my
life, baby?
(The Card Queen
smiles.)
(Several hours
later, the girls, still in their magical guises, are still wandering the
streets of Deling City.)
Rinoa: I can't
believe that we haven't found Irvine yet!
Quistis: I
can't believe how many bars that you got us into, Rinoa.
Selphie: I
can't believe how much gil that guy was willing to pay you to use that whip on
him, Quistis.
Quistis
(fuming): Shut up, Selphie.
Rinoa: I told
you I was popular around here, Quistis.
Quistis: Oh,
yes. I always aspired to be known in every bar in a city before I was fifteen.
Rinoa: I was
just acting out, Quistis. Daddy's rich little princess, ignored by her
father…it was just a phase.
Selphie: And
after that you let off steam by indulging in terrorism, right? "Dad hates
me-I'm gonna blow up a bridge!"
Rinoa: My therapist
said directing violence at the government was very therapeutic.
(The girls walk
past a club called the Kit Kat Room, advertising "24 Hours A Day Stopless
Dancers")
Quistis: You
have got to be kidding me.
Selphie: No,
the writer saw that sign in his hometown…you couldn't make that up.
(The man at the
door sees the girls and waves.)
Doorman: Miss
Rinoa! Welcome back!
(Rinoa turns
bright red.)
Rinoa: Uh, er,
hi…
Quistis:
Rinoa…how does this guy know you?
Rinoa: I, uh,
might have walked by here a few times…
Doorman: She's
being too modest! This little lady was once the top attraction here! Every
weekend for two years-
(Quistis and
Selphie give Rinoa knowing glances.)
Rinoa: Look, it
was just once…amateur's night….
Doorman: We
called her "The Timber Rose."
Rinoa: Oh,
okay, I'll admit it! The Forest Owls needed the money! How else do you think a
complete bonehead like me got Zone and Watts to worship me? Please don't tell
Squall!
Quistis: It'll
cost you…
Rinoa: Performance
royalties from "Eyes on Me"? I get 10% every time someone puts it on
a Rinoa shrine!
Selphie: Deal!
(Before the
girls can continue on their way, a bright light appears, heralding the arrival
of the Card Queen.)
Selphie: Oh,
great. It's that irritating side quest again
Quistis: No, I
think that the Obel Lake quest surpasses it for sheer banality…(addresses the
Card Queen.) Did you send that silly monster at us?
Card Queen: Of
course! Now, Soldier Knights-surrender! Or face the consequences!
Selphie: Which
are, exactly?
(The Card Queen
waves a hand and an image of Irvine appears behind her, hands tied behind his
back.)
Irvine (his
words slurred): Hey…only Selphie can tie me up…
Selphie:
IRVINE! GIMME GIMME GIMME!
Card Queen: If
you surrender I will release him…
Selphie: GIMME!
I wanna kick his butt!
Card Queen:
Look, he's a hostage…you can expect me to release him so you can hurt him!
Quistis: You
don't know Selphie…
Card Queen
(producing a deck of Triple Triad cards): Well, FINE! All he did while I
kidnapped him was hit on me! (The image of Irvine fades) Face my wrath!
Quistis: I
should point out to you that I am the King of the Balamb Garden CC Group, and-
Rinoa: That
always bothered me…why would any girl want to call herself "King"?
Selphie: Yeah,
Quistis… we wouldn't be confused about our identity, would we?
Quistis: Now,
LOOK! It's just a title….
Rinoa: You
know, she doesn't have a boyfriend…always talking about my figure and your
legs…
Quistis:
AAAARRGGGHHHH!!!!
(Quistis whirls
on the Card Queen.)
Quistis: YOU! I
have a lot of stress to work off! Make some monsters or something!
Card Queen: Uh,
OK….
(The Card Queen
transforms a Doomtrain card, a Tri-point card, and a Turtapod card into
monsters.)
Quistis: Now
that's more like it…
(Quistis raises
her hands over her head.)
Quistis: Here
goes! MAGICAL SCHOOL'S IN SESSION! QUISTIS TREPE, INSTRUCTING!
Rinoa: That
isn't much of an attack name.
Selphie: I
think she's venting.
(Quistis
uncorks an unholy amount of power at the monsters.)
Selphie: HEY!
She gets the good limit breaks and the best magical girl stuff!
Rinoa: I think
the writer's scared of her.
(Quistis'
attack blows up all three monsters and half a city block.)
Quistis:
Whoops…but man do I feel better…(smiles..) You're right, Rhino. Destruction can
be very therapeutic.
Rinoa
(nervously) Think nothing of it…
(The Card Queen
emerges from the cloud of smoke coughing.)
Card Queen: You
need to seek help, girlfriend.
Quistis
(raising Save the Queen): Would you like to taste my whip?
(Before the
Card Queen can answer, a dark shadow appears behind her. The girls go
superdeformed again from panic.)
Selphie:
Ouchies that hurts!
Rinoa: I'm
especially cute superdeformed!
(Quistis decks
Rinoa on general principle.)
Card Queen
(looking up at the shadow.): Yes, lord?
Menace: This
didn't work…I've already collected your foolish hostage, let's go…
Card Queen: I
get to be in the next episode?
Menace: Of
course! You hang around until either I sacrifice you selfishly to further my
goals or you discover that I'm not in love with you! It's the fate of the
female villain in magical girl anime!
Card Queen: Oh.
Menace (to the
girls): If you wish to punish that oaf Irvine for his crimes personally, Miss
Tilmitt, come to the Centra Ruins!
Selphie: Wow
that sounds seriously final!
Menace (as he
and the Card Queen vanish): The writer's trying to get this done in five parts.
Selphie and
Quistis: Oh…
(The bad guys
vanish completely)
(Carbuncle
appears, a projection of Ultimecia appearing from its gemstone.)
Ultimecia:
Soldier Knights! You have met at last our true enemy and….(looks down at Rinoa)
Why is Miss
Heartilly unconscious again?
Quistis: She
got on my bad side.
Selphie: That
would presume you have a good side, Quistis.
Quistis: Do you
want me to cut you out of the royalties, Selphie?
Selphie: Ooh,
good point…what do we do know, Ultimecia?
Ultimecia:
Well, Miss Trepe will doubtlessly have a lot of explaining to do for this
damage, and Miss Heartilly will have to wake up…
(Quistis smirks.)
Ultimecia: And
then you will have to journey to the Centra Ruins, to face the enemy for the
fate of the world!
Selphie: The
fate of the world…ah, I just remembered that there's a meeting of the Garden
Festival Committee today and…
Ultimecia: Do
not worry, Miss Tilmitt. Men only join the Committee because they think you're
silly enough to go out with them if they help you.
Selphie: WHAT!
THOSE GUYS! I'LL….
(In the Centra
Ruins, the Menace addresses the Card Queen, Biggs, and Wedge; Irvine is chained
to the wall.)
Irvine: C'mon,
let me go…I gotta date…
Menace: That's
quite enough out of you-Biggs, Wedge, I want you to go out and recruit every
second banana bad guy, every random encounter soldier you can find! The Soldier
Knights are coming, and I want their approach to be as irritating as possible.
Biggs: Enough
random encounters can be irritating.
Wedge: Quistis
is coming…(he swoons). Ah, Quistis….
Biggs: She
broke every bone in your body and you still like her?
Wedge: Never
underestimate the value of a nice set of…
Menace: You
KNOW the writer won't let you say that! Now go, and prepare for their arrival!
We're getting close to the end, and I want it to be perfect!
(Biggs and
Wedge vanish.)
Menace: Soon,
Ultimecia. Soon I'll defeat your foolish Soldier Knights…and then…
Menace: Oh,
SHUT UP, pastel cowboy….
(The Card Queen
sighs as our episode comes to a close.)